George Altshuler

I was flipping through the channels about a week ago, and I paused for a few minutes to watch Glenn Beck interviewing Michael Bublé. Absolutely excruciating. I obviously hate Glenn Beck, but Michael Bublé has always infuriated me as well. I can’t stand the way he puts weird inflections into his singing and destroys great songs. To make matters worse, I hate his image. Frank Sinatra’s dead, and no, you’re not pretty.

This inspired me to make a list of things most people like that I just can’t stand. I acknowledge that this is definitely a whiny post, so I was hesitant to make it public at first. Think of the fact that I went ahead and posted this list as a tribute to how much I actually hate this stuff:

• Michael Bublé: I can go on. Not only do his music and image infuriate me, but he takes advantage of the elderly. I’ve seen him on PBS specials, and he’s clearly trying to profit off of our senior citizens’ nostalgia.
• Malcolm Gladwell: He’s a good, clear writer and I actually think he’s a smart person. And yet he sucks. He has mastered the art of taking great examples and manipulating them together to say nothing important. Also, in typical pop-culture fashion, he goes at great lengths to make sure his writing isn’t actually controversial and doesn’t offend anyone. He waters things down to say, well, nothing really.
• Bell Peppers: I’ve fought through and learned to appreciate eggplant and Brussels sprouts, but bell peppers are just bad.
• Joe Buck: Nepotism, nepotism, nepotism. It’s hard to listen to a sportscast he does, and for some reason, Fox gives him the World Series. His voice is domineering and I hate his pronouncements. His commercials are also terrible.
• Napoleon Dynamite: Painful movie. When it came out, people around me seemed to love it so I had to pretend to tolerate it. Not anymore.
• The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao: Junto Díaz’s bestseller is well-written and seems like it could be really meaningful. Then you realize the book is a Dominican-American setting, sex, violence and not much else. It’s a Hollywood action movie in book form, and yet many people worship it as great literature. Don’t be fooled.

Okay, I feel cleansed.